Just this week, a friend of mine, who I have known for thirty years, lost someone close to her.
My friend, bec, lost a girlfriend,Kate, who was our age, and a mother to a 7 year old little girl.
Kate had been ill for a while and although, Bec knew the end was inevitable, it didn't stop Beck from breaking down on the phone. I heard her pain through the telephone line, and my heart was breaking for her.
bec had been an amazing support to kate, through her illness.. and bec has been on an emotional roller coaster ride, herself, supporting kate and also, trying to deal with her own emotions, and juggle family and working life.
When bec called me yesterday to tell me that kate had passed on, i tried to comfort bec, with words, but as we all know, words never cut it, at a time like this.
the early morning call , left me to face a day, alone, with nothing but time and my mind as company.
By nightfall, i tried to go to sleep, however, every attempt failed.
i felt the beginning of a panick attack and tried to slow down my breathing.
all i could think about all day was mortality.
i have known bec and lydia for thirty years and they are two of my closest friends on this earth. i wondered what bec must be feeling, loosing a friend?
i tried to put myself in her shoes and all day thought about loosing bec or lydia, and how i would feel? then those thoughts led to more thoughts, what if something happened to me? what would then happen to jazz? what we she go through without her mother around?
the thoughts were swirling in my head all day long, and everything felt so raw last night..
i have always known that life is short and we need to make the most out of the time that we do have here, but yesterday it was RIGHT in my face. Death.
that dreaded word.
the end.
i then began to think about all the things that kate would never get to do now.
leaving her 7 year old here on earth, without her. never seeing the people she loves again, never seeing her daughter grow up to be a woman. never doing all the little things that we all do each day... cooking, laughing, making love, feeling water on her skin, the sensation of eating, how she will never again hold her baby in her arms or smell the childs skin.

i believe in the after life. i always have.
but yesterday, i was scared. i think, for the first time, i REALLY thought about the finality of death, for those here, that are left.
i have always taken comfort in the after life, but perhaps never given much thought to what happens here. my focus has always been on the crossing over part and never the "left-behind-here-on-earth" part.
becs voice, yesterday, the pain, the sound of her tears, hit me like a ton of bricks.
bec, is left here.

death made me question my faith last night.
that everything happens for a reason.?
that there is a divine purpose for us all on earth.?
last night, laying in the dark, thinking about kate, my faith was put to the test.
i listened to my ipod until my eyes eventually grew heavy, rolled over, and tried to find comfort in my faith.
death is another part of life here on earth.. its not a nice part, its not an easy part, it is painful and heart breaking and tragic for those left behind, BUT, a part of this journey , it is.

something that kept me going, was a little saying that my friend bec heard on john edwards show 'crossing over".. he said, " always blessings, never losses".. and i think if you focus on that , you will come to see that indeed, it is a blessing to know the people you know, through your journey in life...and if you happen to loose them, you should feel blessed to have known them at all.

..these days I feel like a completely different person.
I look back and reflect on years gone by and wonder "who was that woman"?
i mean, i know it was ME... but WOW...i dont feel like her anymore.

i have learnt so much , SO much, and my life is so much camler and simple these days...

i am so grateful for all of this.

i wouldnt change a thing.

...have been watching a close friend of mine go through her family break -up for the last two years.
She has two small children.
Her ex is not very stable, and has dragged them through the court system.
it's still going on.
Its about control, not about his children.
My friend has spent over 40,000 dollars on these court and attorney expenses.
Its still not come to an end.
yesterday was a nightmare, for her. he took the children in his car , from the assigned access venue. he is not allowed to do that, through court orders.
She was at my place and the centre called her to inform her that her ex had taken the children and left in the car.
We flew down there, calling the police as we went.
my friend was hysterical.
As a mother , myself, i empathized with her.
my hands were shaking as I drove.
My heart was praying.

He returned the children, after the constable called his mobile phone and engaged in conversation with him, that lasted about ten minutes, with him abusing the officer and being irate.

Last night, when my house was quiet, and my daughter was asleep in her bed.... I sat on the back step with a coffee and a ciggarette and spoke to my partner about adults in this world and what they do to one another.
it makes me so sad at times.
those beautiful children are all that matters.
adults need to grow up, and do what is right for their kids.
how often does this go on around the world???
every day !!

i sat in silence on that step for what seemed like a long time, staring up at the stars in the sky... wondering why people dont get it.
how did humans become so fearful and angry.


*sighs*

sometimes, this world makes me sad.
Sometimes.

Give me something real.
Isnt that what I have been praying for?
Yes.
I nod my head.
yes. It is.
Why then, when you get it, do you doubt it?
Fear is always there on the edge of consciousness.
Waiting.
One small opening, to find its way in. Again.
I shake my head, to rid the fear.
I close my eyes and breathe in.
Open my eyes, is it still here?
I check in.
Go away Fear.
Be gone.
I dont want to see you here anymore.
I close my eyes again and breathe in the universe.

OMY GOODNESS ME!!!!

has it been THAT long since i have updated here???!!!!!

Ah please forgive me friends.... that is really bad......

How have you all been?????????

Some things just strike an affinity with you.
Certain places, certain periods of history.
These things cannot be explained rationally.
Ive always had a fascination with the south... The southern united states.
Now , your probably thinking, why does an Australian girl, living a million miles away from the south, love it so much?
I cannot explain it to you.
All Ive known, is that when ever I see images from the south, read books about the south, see movies, documentaries, you name it, something happens to me.
When i was in high school and we were studying african american history, I discovered a deep affinity with the time and places and people.
One class i had to leave, because i was too upset to stay and watch the graphic, horrible images i was seeing, on the screen.
White people, treating african american people they were they were, made me ill to my stomach.
My heart ached for these people.

My hero is Martin Luther King.
What an inspiration he is to my life.
What an amazing soul he was (and still is).

Whenever I see movies that are set in the south, i feel as though i am watching home.

SOme may not believe in what i am about to say, but i do.
past lives.
I strongly believe that i had a past life in the south, around the slavery/post slavery days.. when times were changing.

There is a deep longing in me to "return home".
Not here, in this time and place
But home, in the south.

My dream is to travel to the south, and I know that i will, one day.
To walk to soil, and smell the air and immerse myself in the history of the South.

Some may call it crazy, some may believe, whatever the case may be, I am not interested, in others opinions, on this matter, only my own, and what feels right in my heart.

I just got done with watching THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES... an amazingly beautiful movie...
I am still reveling in the warm feeling I get when i lay eyes and ears on the images of the south.. the talk, the scenery, the houses.... the feeling.

Some things you just cannot explain, with rationale, so best to not explain it, and just follow your heart.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Haven't been here for a while....

Howd'y.

Hope everyone is well out there in L J Land...

UPDATE

*In love
*In love
*In love

.....There is something wildly exciting about TWILIGHT.
I have recently read book one and last night watched the movie.
I think that I am addicted to the intensity of love.
Edward is utterly intense, and his protection and love for Bella, leaves me breathless.
Bella's obsession with Edward, may appear somewhat unhealthy, however, the book leaves me wanting more.

I have started book two, NEW MOON, and so the story continues........

......the candle light flickers, casting a soft glow in the room... he lays beside me, breathless and silent. As I stare into his face, the words form in my mind. So many words to describe the emotion of the moment, yet somehow the words seem inadequate. Limited in communication, words begin to seem lifeless compared to the intensity of emotion that runs through my veins.

"what?" , he questions me, knowing that speech is on the edge of my lips.

"too many things to tell you", I reply, still staring at his gentle face.

His touch still burns my skin, and his scent lingers in the air between us.

To speak now, would ruin the magick.

I had a dream, a few years ago that has now proven to be true.
I was walking along the road of my romantic history.
At different points along this road were signs of all the faces of them men that I have been involved with. When I reached the last one, on the road was a big black hole.
At the time, I saw this as a warning.
Not to fall into the black hole.
I did not take heed of this warning.
And i fell into the black hole.
After Brian left me, I fell into the black hole.
I fell so deep I did not know how to escape from it.
Did I fall after he left me?
Or did I fall into the black hole when I entered into a relationship with him?
This I am not sure of, what I am sure of though is that I am now out.
Not only am I out of the black hole, the hole has been filled with dirt and is never to be seen again.

I now walk the road of my life with the sun shining on my face.

Anyone want to be added to my facebook?


Mwha

xox

love love love to you all

xoxo

I can see the light!

So I found out he is seeing an ex of his.
I had asked him if he was seeing anyone.
He lied.
I found out and confronted him and all I got from him was anger.
I gave him back all his stuff and the key to his house.

It's taken me three months of holding my breath.. waiting and hoping.. to now reach a point of being forced to let go.

I am sure the lessons will become apparent as time passes.

My beloved Ali passed away recently.

So much loss in my life right now.

I need to heal.


Love to all

When is it supposed to get better?

When she walks away from you mad
[ Follow her ]

When she stare's at your mouth
[ Kiss her ]

When she pushes you or hit's you
[ Grab her and dont let go ]

When she start's cussing at you
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]

When she's quiet
[ Ask her whats wrong ]

When she ignore's you
[ Give her your attention ]

When she pull's away
[ Pull her back ]

When you see her at her worst
[ Tell her she's beautiful ]

When you see her start crying
[Just hold her and dont say a word ]

When you see her walking
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]

When she's scared
[ Protect her ]

When she lay's her head on your shoulder
[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]

When she steal's your favorite hat
[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]

When she tease's you
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]

When she doesnt answer for a long time
[ reassure her that everything is okay ]

When she look's at you with doubt
[ Back yourself up ]

When she say's that she like's you
[ she really does more than you could understand ]

When she grab's at your hands
[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]

When she bump's into you
[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]

When she tell's you a secret
[ keep it safe and untold ]

When she looks at you in your eyes
[ dont look away until she does ]

When she misses you
[ she's hurting inside ]

When you break her heart
[ the pain never really goes away ]

When she says its over
[ she still wants you to be hers ]

When she reposts this bulletin
[ she wants you to read it ]



- Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Tease her and let her tease you back.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?

Last night I went to see NEWTON FAULKNER play at the Forum theater in melbourne city.
He was amazing.
Half way through the concert, tears ran down my cheeks.
His lyrics were emotional and I have been so sad this week.
I realized while i was sitting in that room, amongst hundreds of people, crying, that I hold back my emotions all the time.
Why?
last night and today, i have been pondering why.
growing up i was told that i was far too emotional and sensitive.
i was always criticised by my mother when i cried.
i learnt, fast, that it was not ok to be me.
it was not okay to be emotional.
so i am now 35 and i have come to learn that i hold back A LOT!
emotion wells up inside of me and i choke it all back.
my friend kate was with me last night at this concert and she saw me crying.
she grabbed my hand and said are you ok?
All i could manage was a mumble " MMMMMM" and a half smile through my tears.
so
i decieded last night, that from that moment forward i was not going to hold back myself.
i am not going to hold back who i am
i am not going to hold back my emotions
my emotions are now free to show themselves, whenever and wherever.
there are things that i think, when with people, and do not say
there are things that i feel, with people, and do not say.

After Brian leaving me, I also came to see, what good was that?
What good did it serve me, to keep my feelings under wraps so tightly?
We dont get a second chance.
and the moment, has passed and the thought or feeling was never voiced.
i cant live like this anymore.
that much i do know.

Hi friends

How are we all?

Well, winter has officially ended here in Australia!!

Hooray !!!


*still single
*looking forward to spring weather
*reconnecting with people from the past i had lost touch with
*re-discovering my spiritual life/self
*baked at home today with Jazz
*got drunk two weeks ago (fun fun)
*loving my new straight teeth
*reading a self help book on abandonment that is helping me learn more about me
*trying to stay positive about the fact that i am 35 and single again
*going to a concert this weekend
*letting go of the past
*not sleeping too good still
*sending love to you all


xox

Hmmm

Two months have passed now.
I am not as bad.
but I am not good.
I am somewhere lost in between.
I miss him.
Terribly.
I still love him
So much.

I am not crying like I was before.
But my heart literally feels as though it is hurting.

I have let go.
I didnt want to
But i had to
It was causing too much pain hanging on to him
on to us
on to the whole idea

I do not hear from him
and I do not contact him
i can only hope he is happy
i can only hope that he has made the right decision

As for me, I am distracting myself with many different things
and trying to keep my mind off thoughts of the past.
this is new to me, for i am not one to ever let go.
i dont let go easily
so i am learning that i am stronger than what i thought i was.